Missing Baubles

I don’t know if it’s the time of year, or the state of the world or just a period of reflection but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the people that won’t be around this Christmas.  My missing baubles.  So far, I’m missing a father, a brother, a sister, grandfathers and this will be D’s first Christmas without his dad.  It will also be D’s mums first Christmas without her husband of fifty-nine years.  Tall orders this year.  All around me is new life.  Friends are carrying their first-borns to be and even this is making me nostalgic for a time when my own child was small and Christmas was a time of magic and reindeer and Santa!  A part of me wishes that we could return to those days.  That I could take my grown up head and travel back in time to when I was the most important person in the world to him.  When money was paper stuff and he preferred coins.  When everything he wanted from me had no price tag; he wanted time, hugs, a walk to the park.  I’d like to think I’d appreciate those hugs more and that quiet time telling stories with silly voices.  I don’t recall the last time I did any of it – did i notice that it had stopped?  That he no longer wanted a hug or a bedtime story? Once they’re grown its over but the memory warms my heart still.

This year, I miss the conversations I would have had with my siblings.  The phone call my sister would have made on Christmas day to wish us a Happy Christmas despite her disabilities.  I miss the hope that one day, Neil would come home and I would get to know him as an adult as my only memories of him are from when I was a child.  Wow, I annoyed him something alarming. I feel as if my world is getting smaller. I feel like every year there are less people in it but I look forward to welcoming the new additions that 2015 will bring us, young, old and in between.

So, here’s to a Happy Christmas complete with missing baubles and new ones, waiting to be discovered.  I wish you all the same.

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