I don’t know if it’s the time of year, or the state of the world or just a period of reflection but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the people that won’t be around this Christmas. My missing baubles. So far, I’m missing a father, a brother, a sister, grandfathers and this will be D’s first Christmas without his dad. It will also be D’s mums first Christmas without her husband of fifty-nine years. Tall orders this year. All around me is new life. Friends are carrying their first-borns to be and even this is making me nostalgic for a time when my own child was small and Christmas was a time of magic and reindeer and Santa! A part of me wishes that we could return to those days. That I could take my grown up head and travel back in time to when I was the most important person in the world to him. When money was paper stuff and he preferred coins. When everything he wanted from me had no price tag; he wanted time, hugs, a walk to the park. I’d like to think I’d appreciate those hugs more and that quiet time telling stories with silly voices. I don’t recall the last time I did any of it – did i notice that it had stopped? That he no longer wanted a hug or a bedtime story? Once they’re grown its over but the memory warms my heart still.
This year, I miss the conversations I would have had with my siblings. The phone call my sister would have made on Christmas day to wish us a Happy Christmas despite her disabilities. I miss the hope that one day, Neil would come home and I would get to know him as an adult as my only memories of him are from when I was a child. Wow, I annoyed him something alarming. I feel as if my world is getting smaller. I feel like every year there are less people in it but I look forward to welcoming the new additions that 2015 will bring us, young, old and in between.
So, here’s to a Happy Christmas complete with missing baubles and new ones, waiting to be discovered. I wish you all the same.